|Absolute Blue Trafficizes|
It’s our God given right. Most probably guaranteed in the Constitution, possibly in an amendment or preamble or postamble or such. The right to drive. The right to the open road. The right to freedom as far as the mostly adequately maintained interstate system, somewhat less maintained highways or completely ignored local roads can take us. The right to buy overpriced vehicles assembled by overly unionized Americans or underutilized foreign nationals. The right to purchase overpriced insurance from Florence of Albania that makes it so easy even Bill can do it. To buy overpriced fossil fuels from areas that would normally be our sworn enemies. I’m looking at you South Dakota. And while the nuances of road rage have been widely documented by the Russians and the Lutherans, we bring you the following as a guide to other traffic related etiquette:
-Friending: The little known but oft-practiced art of discovering a car currently traveling 20 miles under the speed limit, then pulling up beside them and beginning a relationship, sometimes backing up traffic for miles. I personally have met 2 of my ex-wives and my lawyer this way.
-Merging: The process by which a vehicle comes to a complete stop on a freeway or expressway, unable to manage the concept of a car attempting to enter said interstate. Complete with wild gesticulations in an attempt to convey something similar to “Infidel! You dare not to trespass into my personal Roadway!”
-Tailgating: The mechanics of this are fairly straightforward, however the underlying strategy can be more complicated. Some choose to target specific makes or models, others the little stick figures in the window, but for our purposes it never hurts to focus on a Trump bumper sticker.
-Creeping: The absolutely maddening practice where the car in front of you stops short at a red light. Then moves up a little. Then a little more. Then a little more. I mean, just stop and commit already! Justifiable grounds for autocide or grievous vehicular damage.
-Turn Signals: Nope.
Join us for a Saturday night at the Tiki Bar in Sebastian, on Indian River just south on Main Street, from 7 to 11…
Then Sunday it’s the Crab Stop, in Sebastian on Indian River just north of Main Street, from 2 to 6…
NOTE! ALL GIGS LISTED BELOW ARE PUBLIC. PRIVATE DATES ARE NOT SHOWN. Call or write to check a date that appears to be open.